Tree

I wanna be unmovable, unshakable
Let my roots go down deep.
Unmovable, unshakable
In you.

And I wanna be like a tree
Planted by the streams
of living water

This will be my song, God
This will be my prayer
Until the end, until the end.

Yesterday at church I sang this song with my friend, Preston.  I was singing the melody and he sang a harmony to go along with it.  During practice, it sounded amazing, and that's pretty strange to say because I always think that I sound awful when I sing and have no idea why people want me on stage.  To be honest, I was nervous to sing it during church.  I hated when people could hear my individual voice and I prayed God gave me the voice to praise him and do it all for His glory.

There was some time after practice to just fellowship with the team and chill out, but I really didn't want to talk anyone.  I've had broken friendships in the past and unfortunately those friendships have been broken in the church, so sometimes when you don't have any of your true friends around, it can get awkward.  Fortunately, my worship leader, and pastor's wife named Deneen came over and started talking to me.  She asked me about tennis and I expected it to be a 2 minute conversation max. but it ended up being a 45- minute talk about salvation, superficial people, and the struggles kids go through in high school.  It was a great talk, and it really inspired me.  At that moment I realized that everything in my life that affected me was so insignificant, and that I wasn't going to be trapped in high school forever.  God had a major purpose for me.

I guess that's what really motivated me to sing my heart out to God that morning when everyone arrived at church for worship.  I just kept praying to myself Please God allow me to sing to you, and not get distracted by anything else, because the only thing that matters is you. When it came time for Preston and I to sing Tree, I lost all my nervousness, and I swear there was a voice coming from me that wasn't my own.  I had this indescribable wave of joy come over me to know that those words were true, and that I was singing this to God not just to sing it, but tell him how I felt and where I wanted to be with him.

Over and over again I have told God that I am going to go all out for him, but fail to do so.  Everytime I fail, I feel more like an insignificant mound of dirt.  Espsecially in tennis.  I find that it's so easy to just forget the promises I make to God to have a positive attitude and be a Christian influence to the people I play, but I often find myself cussing my oponenents out in my mind and thinking other ill thoughts.  I've realized that this has to stop.

Right now I feel like a seedling, young and puny, but with a potential to grow.  Lately, however, my roots have gotten really bitter and dried up.  I want my heart to soften, and I want to become brave and be a consistent example to the people who don't know God.  I see these amazing people at Younglife and older kids at my church and just think to myself "Wow, why can't I be that amazing?" or "Why can't I be happy and resilient like that?"  I think it would be more helpful if I was able to go more like at the beginning of this year.  Back then I felt more rooted in my walk with him. 

I've decided not to let the little things get to me, because they don't matter. But GOD does.  Right now more than ever I need Him and I am truly ready to forget everything else and live for Him.  I want to serve people this summer (And I might be going on a missions trip to NYC this summer).  God never said this life would be easy, and I truly believe that, but I'm tired of complaining, because it doesn't make things any better.  All of the anger and frustration has no affect on the people I feel it towards, but it affects me.  So from here on, I am going to work on planting myself in Jesus's name and being replenished by His living waters.  When darkness surrounds me, I'm going to let God handle the situation and try not to worry as much.  I have this feeling that something amazing is going to happen.  I don't know where or when, but I know in God's time he is going to use me for something great.


1 Peter 5:9 Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

I'm hoping that I am not the only one in the world who feels unrooted and disconnected from God.  I want more than anything to serve Him and release all the things I am holding back.  Because lately, I've held back alot.  Just to be living and breathing should bring me joy and give me a reason to walk with Him.  But I can't do this alone.  I need sisters in Christ like Kendall, Aletheia, Sarah, and Taylor.  I know these girls will pull me through anything and help me on my journey as I transform into something completely different than before, and when the changes finally take place, I will finally be ready to march the battlefields along with my other brothers and sisters to advance His kingdom.  Oh, btw, the most important, intangible thing in this world is LOVE. It has gotten me through so much and once it is received and acknowledged, it makes it even easier to deliver. 

Isaiah 40:28-31 Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

To all of you people out there who have been Godly influences to me, thank you.  He is so proud of you, and although he loves you much more than I ever could, I still find the need to say that I love you too.  (PS:If it's not too much to ask, could you please pray for me? I need all the support I can get :)

The Love of a Father

When I was a baby, I had a really good relatonship with my dad. He loved younger kids and so he spoiled me half to death with candy, toys, and trips to Disney World.  However, as I got older and my brother and sister were born, it seemed as if he had lost interest in me.  Most of the time he was working at the hospital, but when he was home,  I really only remember him yelling at me for the things I did wrong or bringing me down about something stupid that I said.  I mean, I was a kid, what did he expect?  The past two years, my relationship with my father had gotten worse.  I got angry about him for every little thing and saw him as the parent I could not talk to about anything, nor did I want to.  Honestly, the only thing in my mind  that was positive about him was the fact that we got to go on really cool trips in the summer and spring.

With that in mind,  I found more than ever that I had to rely on God as the male figure in my life to help me through problems and protect me, especially since my relationships with my male friends were so unstable and uncertain. I had pretty much blocked my dad out of my life.  (My parents aren't divorced, they are still happly married,  but for some reason growing up I just had no interest in having a relationship with my dad)  My dad has always been very critical of me.  Whether it was sports or academics or just my actions, it seemed like I was never good enough for him, and that upset me greatly.  So, I figured I would just grow up trying to respect him the best I could and mouthing off whenever I felt like he didn't understand what was going on in my life.

My mom and I are very close.  So many things have happened to me, especially in the past 2 years that have been very spiritually and emotionally draining.  Being that my mom is a counselor and majored in psychology, she has always been the perfect person to talk to about my problems, and it's so easy to just vent to her.  She has always been so supportive of me and helped me handle different situations so I can make the right decisions and show Christ through my actions.  Lately I have been hurt by many people and whether they knew it or not, it was really affecting me.  I was becoming bitter and no matter what people would say, I did not want to listen to them say "God has a plan for you" or "You have to have faith, things will get better." The worse one of all though, was "In God's time you will be healed."  In all honesty, I didn't want to hear that.  I was impatient and didnt want to wait for God's time because His time and my time were at completely different levels.

The past few nights, I just had outbursts of yelling and crying to my mom from anger and bitterness that was building up inside of me.  I seriously was just sick of living this life and wanted to leave this earth.  I know it sounds crazy, but I did.  I was so tired of hurting and being mad and not feeling loved by so many people.  Satan had completely made me  unaware of the people who did love me and genuinely care about me.  Kendall cared about me.  So did Sarah Smith and Taylor and Emily.  Not only that, but they loved me.  But this did not occurr to me until 12:34 last night. 

I went to bed angry, hating the world.  My mom tried to say goodnight to me, but I just ignored her.  I got into bed just laying there, steaming and knowing I would not fall asleep. Two minutes later, my dad came into the room and I had my head under the covers. Normally he just came in to open up the windows before bed, but this time he started talking to me.  "Ebony, what's going on?" he asked me.  "Nothing.." I replied bluntly.  "There's obviously something going on if you had an attitude with your mother and have been acting withdrawn all day," he said back.  So I told him everything.  About how kids were mistreating me and how I was hurt about discord among my friends and unfairness going on at the one place I loved to attend more that anything that now felt like a burden to go to.

I don't remember everything from that night, because it was basically an hour of him talking and me just listening.  But, these are the major points he conveyed to me that night:
1) Most people you meet in life will not have regard for your feelings
2) Forgiveness is for you, not the other person
3) If someone does wrong to you, all you can do is pray for them, and God will deal with them.
4) Vegeance is the LORD'S, not yours.
5) If you let the actions of others constantly upset you, then you will have a miserable life.
6) No matter what you're going though, God loves you more than anything and he puts people in your life to reassure you of that. 

As my dad summed up all those things to me, in the middle of it I realized something.  The voice coming out of my dad was actually the voice of Jesus, trying to comfort me.  Thinking of this, I began to let even more tears shed as I listened to what he had to say.  I felt my tense body slowly softening and my heart being reassembled as my father prayed over me to ask God to bring me peace in all my situations and to heal my broken heart.  Also, my dad told me to start reading Psalms every morning and night.  I read Psalm 23 and 27 this morning.  With all that being said, I know God had that happen to me last night to let me know that no matter what, my dad was on my side and he loved me.  After he kissed me on the forehead goodnight and left my room I realized for the first time how much I loved my daddy and had taken him for granted.  I decided from that point that I wasn't gonna try to handle situations that were out of my control and I was gonna let God handle it all, because that's what he's here for.

Sorry for such a long story, but it was really weighing on my heart to write this.  I hope that everyone who reads this, no matter how crappy your relationship may be with your dad or mom, that you not take them for granted.  Deep down inside they all love us because that was the reason God gave them to us. And dont try to move mountains on your own.  Make sure you have God alongside you to carry the foundation :)
Psalm 27:1-4
 ¹ The LORD is my light and my salvation—
   whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
   of whom shall I be afraid?

 ² When the wicked advance against me
   to devour^[a] me,
it is my enemies and my foes
   who will stumble and fall.
³ Though an army besiege me,
   my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
   even then I will be confident.

 ⁴ One thing I ask from the LORD,
   this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
   all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the LORD
   and to seek him in his temple