With that in mind, I found more than ever that I had to rely on God as the male figure in my life to help me through problems and protect me, especially since my relationships with my male friends were so unstable and uncertain. I had pretty much blocked my dad out of my life. (My parents aren't divorced, they are still happly married, but for some reason growing up I just had no interest in having a relationship with my dad) My dad has always been very critical of me. Whether it was sports or academics or just my actions, it seemed like I was never good enough for him, and that upset me greatly. So, I figured I would just grow up trying to respect him the best I could and mouthing off whenever I felt like he didn't understand what was going on in my life.
My mom and I are very close. So many things have happened to me, especially in the past 2 years that have been very spiritually and emotionally draining. Being that my mom is a counselor and majored in psychology, she has always been the perfect person to talk to about my problems, and it's so easy to just vent to her. She has always been so supportive of me and helped me handle different situations so I can make the right decisions and show Christ through my actions. Lately I have been hurt by many people and whether they knew it or not, it was really affecting me. I was becoming bitter and no matter what people would say, I did not want to listen to them say "God has a plan for you" or "You have to have faith, things will get better." The worse one of all though, was "In God's time you will be healed." In all honesty, I didn't want to hear that. I was impatient and didnt want to wait for God's time because His time and my time were at completely different levels.
The past few nights, I just had outbursts of yelling and crying to my mom from anger and bitterness that was building up inside of me. I seriously was just sick of living this life and wanted to leave this earth. I know it sounds crazy, but I did. I was so tired of hurting and being mad and not feeling loved by so many people. Satan had completely made me unaware of the people who did love me and genuinely care about me. Kendall cared about me. So did Sarah Smith and Taylor and Emily. Not only that, but they loved me. But this did not occurr to me until 12:34 last night.
I went to bed angry, hating the world. My mom tried to say goodnight to me, but I just ignored her. I got into bed just laying there, steaming and knowing I would not fall asleep. Two minutes later, my dad came into the room and I had my head under the covers. Normally he just came in to open up the windows before bed, but this time he started talking to me. "Ebony, what's going on?" he asked me. "Nothing.." I replied bluntly. "There's obviously something going on if you had an attitude with your mother and have been acting withdrawn all day," he said back. So I told him everything. About how kids were mistreating me and how I was hurt about discord among my friends and unfairness going on at the one place I loved to attend more that anything that now felt like a burden to go to.
I don't remember everything from that night, because it was basically an hour of him talking and me just listening. But, these are the major points he conveyed to me that night:
1) Most people you meet in life will not have regard for your feelings
2) Forgiveness is for you, not the other person
3) If someone does wrong to you, all you can do is pray for them, and God will deal with them.
4) Vegeance is the LORD'S, not yours.
5) If you let the actions of others constantly upset you, then you will have a miserable life.
6) No matter what you're going though, God loves you more than anything and he puts people in your life to reassure you of that.
As my dad summed up all those things to me, in the middle of it I realized something. The voice coming out of my dad was actually the voice of Jesus, trying to comfort me. Thinking of this, I began to let even more tears shed as I listened to what he had to say. I felt my tense body slowly softening and my heart being reassembled as my father prayed over me to ask God to bring me peace in all my situations and to heal my broken heart. Also, my dad told me to start reading Psalms every morning and night. I read Psalm 23 and 27 this morning. With all that being said, I know God had that happen to me last night to let me know that no matter what, my dad was on my side and he loved me. After he kissed me on the forehead goodnight and left my room I realized for the first time how much I loved my daddy and had taken him for granted. I decided from that point that I wasn't gonna try to handle situations that were out of my control and I was gonna let God handle it all, because that's what he's here for.
Sorry for such a long story, but it was really weighing on my heart to write this. I hope that everyone who reads this, no matter how crappy your relationship may be with your dad or mom, that you not take them for granted. Deep down inside they all love us because that was the reason God gave them to us. And dont try to move mountains on your own. Make sure you have God alongside you to carry the foundation :)
Psalm 27:1-4
1 The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?
2 When the wicked advance against me
to devour[a] me,
it is my enemies and my foes
who will stumble and fall.
3 Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident.
4 One thing I ask from the LORD, to devour[a] me,
it is my enemies and my foes
who will stumble and fall.
3 Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident.
this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple
