Yesterday afternoon I found myself locked in my bathroom, crying my eyes out, wondering when and why I had begun to bawl so hard. My entire face hurt, and I was shaking uncontrollably. What made it even harder was that I tried to suppress the sobs so that my siblings would not hear me. I felt so alone and like no one cared about me. I was hurting and I didn't understand how something so good could make me feel so bad.
We all know what moms are like. Some are soccer moms, others make you strange foods and make you hug her every night, while there are yet others who are quite pushy. My mom is a combination of all three. I told my mom that I did not want to go to homecoming a few weeks ago. "Why?" she merely asked. I told her that I had no one to go with, and that homecoming was a pretty awkward event anyway, what with all the grinding, partying, and drugs. "I can get you a date! My friend has a son your age!" she exclaimed. Okay, take this into account: I am extremely shy, awkward, and have a low self- esteem most of the time. She told me that the boy was shy and awkward as well. How would we relate? I had not seen him since we were third graders in elementary school!
I had thought she was kidding. I had laughed and told her "I'm good" the weeks before. But when she told me over the phone yesterday that she conspired with his mom and asked him to escort me, I lost it.
"His mother told me that his face lit up when she asked, and that he said he would LOVE to take you!"
Take me? Why would a guy ever be excited to take me somewhere, let alone a guy I havent talked to for 7 years? My brain believed what she had said, but my heart did not accept it. There was one defining moment in my life, and it was the moment a certain boy confessed his feelings for me, kissed me, and then dropped me to take one of my best friends to homecoming a month later (Read Standing Strong if you want to hear more about that story.)
I had never realized it before, but after that moment, I gave up on myself. I tried to put on a smile and make everyone think I was okay, but that hurt me more than I ever understood; until now. For three years I accepted the fact that I wasn't pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, or outgoing enough for any guy to ever be interested in me. It does not help to watch all of my friend have their first dates, first kisses, and for me to be 17 and not experience any of that. I was hurting, and I allowed that part of me to shut down until yesterday when my mom made that phonecall.
I assumed the boy who accepted my offer was just being nice. My mind and heart had no explanation for why he would want to go to homecoming with me. In all honesty though, I didn't feel worthy. This amazing, handsome, Christian guy wanted to take me, and I was upset about it. How much sense does that make? But I guess that is what happens when you live your life as a walking lie, trying to convince people that you are beautiful when really you feel like a piece of dirt.
My mom tried to ask me why I was so upset, but I didn't have the words for her, until now. Instead, tears welled up in my eyes and I dashed up the stairs to scream and cry and cry and cry. After I was done, I looked in the mirror at myself. In it, I saw years of pain and fear, but at the same time desperation for change and hope. It was as if God was telling me that this is a breaking point. Things were not going to be the same after this moment, and I knew that to be a fact. I had to begin to accept what God viewed me as and not accept the views of the cold society around me which had turned away from Him.
Later that night, I found that my potential escort has a leadership conference with his youthgroup the date of homecoming, and could not take me. This was both a relief and a bummer. I was relieved that I would not have to yet break out of my shell, because I felt there was much more healing and confidence building to be done. However, I was bummed to know that a guy had a true interest in spending time with me , EVEN THOUGH he was given a choice. My mother told me that when he found out that the dates contradicted, his face dropped and he had to hide his disappointment. Whether or not I ever see him in the future is not up to me, but I am thankful for the new found hope he gave me, and for the lesson I learned that God had someone out there interested in me, solely because I am me. Once I accept myself, that is where the true happiness, and in time, true love, will meet together, just as light meets the dark during a sunrise.
“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
Friday, September 21, 2012
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Standing Strong II
Friends. It seems almost silly to say that we call ourselves that now. And almost sillier that he is probably one of the best friends I've had regardless of everything we have been through. The thing about friends, though, is that no matter what happens, you will still be there for each other. It's the true difference between an acquaintance and someone you trust your life, emotions, and thoughts with.
It's crazy to think just how far we have come over the course of three years. There has been so much heartbreak and tears, at least from my side, and I am amazed at how God can take a bad situation and completely turn it around. No matter how much remorse and hatred I felt towards him, no matter how much my feelings were hurt, it has taken me a long time to realize why I would always forgive and love him in the end. That is what true love is: forgiving people regardless of the pain they have caused you and caring about their future and well- being enough to stay. I have no idea why God has brought us together as friends but to encourage, support, and fellowship together. To have a friend that I can laugh with and just completely be myself, without any pressure is something I have wanted for a long time, and it is about time I realized what God has given me.
To be able to completely love someone is a gift that many will fail to receive their entire lifetime. I have been able to reflect the love God has for me on another human being. It brings me to tears to think about how much I love my friend and want his life to be blessed continuously. If anything, I want to thank him for the lessons he has taught me, the strength I have received from experiences with him, the wisdom I have been able to give others, and the willingness he has had to continue to care about me enough not to give up on me and persist in being involved in my life. In all honesty, it is better to give than to receive, and the contentment I feel in loving him, knowing how much he wants to serve God is so refreshing that I have no idea how I could possibly stop. I wish he knew just how much I care about him, how I have completely forgiven him of everything, and the impact he has had on me which I will be forever grateful for, but as for now I will continue to pray that God strengthens our friendship and that we continue to grow as awesome brother and sister in Christ :)
Ephesians 4:2-6
2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. 3 Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. 4 There is one body and one Spirit-just as you were called to one hope when you were called- 5 one Lord, one faith, one baptism; 6 one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.
It's crazy to think just how far we have come over the course of three years. There has been so much heartbreak and tears, at least from my side, and I am amazed at how God can take a bad situation and completely turn it around. No matter how much remorse and hatred I felt towards him, no matter how much my feelings were hurt, it has taken me a long time to realize why I would always forgive and love him in the end. That is what true love is: forgiving people regardless of the pain they have caused you and caring about their future and well- being enough to stay. I have no idea why God has brought us together as friends but to encourage, support, and fellowship together. To have a friend that I can laugh with and just completely be myself, without any pressure is something I have wanted for a long time, and it is about time I realized what God has given me.
To be able to completely love someone is a gift that many will fail to receive their entire lifetime. I have been able to reflect the love God has for me on another human being. It brings me to tears to think about how much I love my friend and want his life to be blessed continuously. If anything, I want to thank him for the lessons he has taught me, the strength I have received from experiences with him, the wisdom I have been able to give others, and the willingness he has had to continue to care about me enough not to give up on me and persist in being involved in my life. In all honesty, it is better to give than to receive, and the contentment I feel in loving him, knowing how much he wants to serve God is so refreshing that I have no idea how I could possibly stop. I wish he knew just how much I care about him, how I have completely forgiven him of everything, and the impact he has had on me which I will be forever grateful for, but as for now I will continue to pray that God strengthens our friendship and that we continue to grow as awesome brother and sister in Christ :)
Ephesians 4:2-6
2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. 3 Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. 4 There is one body and one Spirit-just as you were called to one hope when you were called- 5 one Lord, one faith, one baptism; 6 one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
A Different Path
A few weeks ago I went to All County YoungLife at Church of the Holy Spirit. It is a time for 3 different schools from different areas of the city and county can get together, fellowship, and just have a great time. Everything was so crazy. We sang songs, played foosball, and did these crazy games. But, when it all settled down, it was time to hear a talk from one of the YoungLife Leaders. That night, it happened to be from one of my friends that I have gotten to know over the year named Zack.
He told this awesome, well known story from the Bible about when Jesus' disciples are on a boat and see someone out on the waters. It is Jesus, but they believe it is a ghost or an evil spirit. When Jesus tells the disciples it is him, they hesistate and do not want to believe him. One of his best friends, Peter says "Jesus, if that is you, then call me to walk to you on the water."
Let's take a step back here before I get any further. To you and I, seeing someone walk on water, or even standing on it would be pretty crazy. But the disiples knew Jesus. They had seen him heal the mute and the blind. He had fed 5,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, and he had brought the dead to life. And yet they did not believe that he was out walking on the water. They knew his voice too, which is strange to me why they didn't believe he was truly out there.
Now back to the story. Jesus calls out to Peter to walk out on the water, but as Peter is walking on the water and has more time to think, he begins to doubt and starts to sink. He calls out to Jesus for help and Jesus takes his hand to save him. However, Jesus asks his friend why he ever doubted him in the first place.
We live in a world today where seeing is believing. Something has to be proven fact for us to accept it and let it influence our lives. But if we hear of something we know we are not capable of, then we push it away and reject it. Everyone knows that it is impossible for us as humans to fly, but I have seen videos of men in wing suits who glide off mountains thousands of feet in the air like a bird and landing just as softly and safe as a butterrfly. In reality, there are many things we can do, it's just our choice whether or not we will find a way to make it happen.
"If you really want something new, you're going to have to try doing something different to obtain it."
I believe that in life, when things are going our way, it can sometimes be harder then to focus on God and what he is doing in our lives. We get too comfortable and figure we have control of our lives. But, when we are unsure of things like Peter, we tend to sink, and that is when we call to God for help. I feel like I have been in the sinking stage for the longest time now. Ever since freshman year in high school, my romantic life has been a pile of poo. One of my favorite things to say is "My Iphone is like my boyfriend: I don't have one."
I know it seems shallow to try and base my happiness on whether or not I have someone interested in me, but that is something I struggle with everyday. And it's not even the thought of having a boyfriend, but more of just having a guy that genuinely cares about me as a sister in Christ and wants to be there for me. One of the hardest things I have had to go through in high school is watching my friends go on their first dates and to their homecomings and proms with their bf's and sometimes I just think to myself "God, what is wrong with me? What did I ever do to deserve this? I'm scared and don't know why I haven't experienced a guy who cares for me."
The truth is though, and it's taken me so long to realize this, is that I don't have the same path as my friends. God has shown me so much love and compassion over the years and guarded me from many rough things. That doesn't mean it has been easy in other areas of my life though. Although I get really down on myself sometimes on the topic of boys, I know I have to rest in the fact that only Jesus can show me what true love is, and he has to show my future husband that too. Until then, I'll just put my trust in knowing that Jesus is going to hold my hand while I walk on the water with him, and he will calm each storm just as quickly as it comes onto the beach. When the time is right, he will let the right guy cut in on the dance.
"A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man must seek Him in order to find her."
He told this awesome, well known story from the Bible about when Jesus' disciples are on a boat and see someone out on the waters. It is Jesus, but they believe it is a ghost or an evil spirit. When Jesus tells the disciples it is him, they hesistate and do not want to believe him. One of his best friends, Peter says "Jesus, if that is you, then call me to walk to you on the water."
Let's take a step back here before I get any further. To you and I, seeing someone walk on water, or even standing on it would be pretty crazy. But the disiples knew Jesus. They had seen him heal the mute and the blind. He had fed 5,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, and he had brought the dead to life. And yet they did not believe that he was out walking on the water. They knew his voice too, which is strange to me why they didn't believe he was truly out there.
Now back to the story. Jesus calls out to Peter to walk out on the water, but as Peter is walking on the water and has more time to think, he begins to doubt and starts to sink. He calls out to Jesus for help and Jesus takes his hand to save him. However, Jesus asks his friend why he ever doubted him in the first place.
We live in a world today where seeing is believing. Something has to be proven fact for us to accept it and let it influence our lives. But if we hear of something we know we are not capable of, then we push it away and reject it. Everyone knows that it is impossible for us as humans to fly, but I have seen videos of men in wing suits who glide off mountains thousands of feet in the air like a bird and landing just as softly and safe as a butterrfly. In reality, there are many things we can do, it's just our choice whether or not we will find a way to make it happen.
"If you really want something new, you're going to have to try doing something different to obtain it."
I believe that in life, when things are going our way, it can sometimes be harder then to focus on God and what he is doing in our lives. We get too comfortable and figure we have control of our lives. But, when we are unsure of things like Peter, we tend to sink, and that is when we call to God for help. I feel like I have been in the sinking stage for the longest time now. Ever since freshman year in high school, my romantic life has been a pile of poo. One of my favorite things to say is "My Iphone is like my boyfriend: I don't have one."
I know it seems shallow to try and base my happiness on whether or not I have someone interested in me, but that is something I struggle with everyday. And it's not even the thought of having a boyfriend, but more of just having a guy that genuinely cares about me as a sister in Christ and wants to be there for me. One of the hardest things I have had to go through in high school is watching my friends go on their first dates and to their homecomings and proms with their bf's and sometimes I just think to myself "God, what is wrong with me? What did I ever do to deserve this? I'm scared and don't know why I haven't experienced a guy who cares for me."
1 John 4:18-19
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us.
"A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man must seek Him in order to find her."
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
He is the Light
Last Friday at youth group I was talking to one of my good friends about God, joking around, and listening to music. I went to get something to drink and when I came back, he was gone. Later on when he came back out of nowhere, it gave me the chance to fellowship with my other brothers and sisters in Christ. My friend came back in the room holding tears back.
That night, he told me that one of his best friends since childhood had committed suicide two days earlier, and his body had just been found. I could not believe it. How was he able to hold it together, smile, and try to joke around with me about it? However, the thing that was really hard to understand was why his friend would do that to himself. I have never been so rock bottom that I thought the only solution was to take my own life.
I'm slowly learning how to let God guide my steps and trying not to worry so much about where the steps are going to take me. I know that He would never lead me somewhere that he is not going to be already. As long as I follow my heart in what God is telling me, I'm not so worried about what the future may bring anymore. I want to be a light for others to see, so that they will want to feel a change in their souls as well :)
"You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body". -CS Lewis
That night, he told me that one of his best friends since childhood had committed suicide two days earlier, and his body had just been found. I could not believe it. How was he able to hold it together, smile, and try to joke around with me about it? However, the thing that was really hard to understand was why his friend would do that to himself. I have never been so rock bottom that I thought the only solution was to take my own life.
"When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears, and rescues them from all their troubles. "(Psalm 34:17)
I do not know this guy's story, but I do know that he was the son of a single mom who loved him dearly. He was her only son. And the fact that he couldn't recognize that love that she had for him really breaks my heart. But, what kills me more than anything is the fact that he had someone who could provide him with so much more comfort than his mother ever could, and that person's name is Jesus. He is able to calm any storm, to break down your spiritual barriers, and encompass you in a romance that you could never begin to understand.
For example, I love it how God uses his people to show people what love truly looks like. That night, a boy from my school that I did not know well just happened to be visiting youth that night. He was able to see a bunch of people from different backgrounds and walks to come together and support each other in a time of tragedy. It's times like these when I get really excited and happy to know that I made the right choice when I accepted God into my life three years ago.
Worship that night was incredible. I felt like I just let go of everything, and handed it all to God to handle. I know he is so much bigger than my issues and I am thankful for that, because he has the perfect answers to all of my questions. He made me realize something that night: Life is too short to become absorbed in the troubles of everyday life. I have a purpose that God is waiting to fulfill in me everyday. I just have to let him into my heart to mold and change it into the soul that it was always meant to be.
It's like a song I've been obsessed with lately on Spirit Fm by Neworldson:
It's so much brighter living in your world
Savior what you did for me
You gave me something I want everyone to see
When we sttumble and it all goes wrong
Only you can make it right
So I say
Oh oh oh oh oh
I'm learning to be the light
Savior what you did for me
You gave me something I want everyone to see
When we sttumble and it all goes wrong
Only you can make it right
So I say
Oh oh oh oh oh
I'm learning to be the light
I'm slowly learning how to let God guide my steps and trying not to worry so much about where the steps are going to take me. I know that He would never lead me somewhere that he is not going to be already. As long as I follow my heart in what God is telling me, I'm not so worried about what the future may bring anymore. I want to be a light for others to see, so that they will want to feel a change in their souls as well :)
"You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body". -CS Lewis
Friday, February 3, 2012
Come Away with Me
Last night I went to a bible study that is related to Young Life called Campaigners. I was excited to go because I knew it was a release from the stress of this week and a time to fellowship and hear what God wanted to say to me. One of my friends taught the lesson, and it was basically about how we can be passionate towards God because he lives in us, and that is what he has called us to do,
He brought up a great question: What does worshipping for God look like? People said many things, including serving others, loving people, being genuinely happy, singing to him, and praying. After we had discussed that, he told us how Jesus had an intense love for us, so intense, that he was willing to die on a cross for us.
Hebrews 12:2 "....Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God's throne."
Jesus was ELATED to suffer an unspeakable amount of pain and suffering if that's what it meant to get us to come follow him. I believe that during the time of his crucifixtion, one of the things that got him through it was thinking about each and every one of us. That's what brought him joy. He had a passion for his children, and although he expected it in return, he gave us a choice and promised to love us regardless of what path we choose.
The points that my friend hit on passion and affection really hit home. Lately, I have sort have been on a neutral level in my relationship with God, and I hate it. It feels like I focus too much on the negative things going on in my life, whether it is fickle friends, controversies involving those who are supposed to be my role models, and still never having been in a relationship with someone. But, when I think about it in my alone time with God, those things are so insignificant. He loved me, still does love me for reasons I really cannot explain. He created me even though he didn't need me, but he knew that I would need him. He has given me everything he knows that I need right now, is teaching me, and protecting me from things so I can be strong enough to handle the future. I want to have a passion and affection for him that he's had for me. I want people to be able to see him in my heart and want that for themselves.
When I think about all that God has done for me, I realize that I have given so little. Yes, I know I will never even get close to giving everything back to God that I owe him, and I know that there will be tough mountains to climb, but I feel like lately I haven't been trying very hard to please him. It's like I've heard him crying out to me but have tried to block it out of my hearing. I don't want to be like that. It makes me angry and confused. I have nothing more that I should be doing in life than worshipping him in all that I do, whether that is through singing at church, washing the dishes, or driving my little brother to piano.
He has given me everything I could ever need and all I have to do is trust him with my life. There is no reason for me to hide my affections from him or anyone else. I am the only one who can forget about the joy he has given me, but I don't want that. Loving like Jesus loved, worshipping God, helping others, reading my bible, that will bring true joy. When you are on a spiritual high with Jesus, living for him, and listening to what he has to say to you, everything else just falls right into place.
James 4:10 "Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up."
He brought up a great question: What does worshipping for God look like? People said many things, including serving others, loving people, being genuinely happy, singing to him, and praying. After we had discussed that, he told us how Jesus had an intense love for us, so intense, that he was willing to die on a cross for us.
Hebrews 12:2 "....Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God's throne."
Jesus was ELATED to suffer an unspeakable amount of pain and suffering if that's what it meant to get us to come follow him. I believe that during the time of his crucifixtion, one of the things that got him through it was thinking about each and every one of us. That's what brought him joy. He had a passion for his children, and although he expected it in return, he gave us a choice and promised to love us regardless of what path we choose.
The points that my friend hit on passion and affection really hit home. Lately, I have sort have been on a neutral level in my relationship with God, and I hate it. It feels like I focus too much on the negative things going on in my life, whether it is fickle friends, controversies involving those who are supposed to be my role models, and still never having been in a relationship with someone. But, when I think about it in my alone time with God, those things are so insignificant. He loved me, still does love me for reasons I really cannot explain. He created me even though he didn't need me, but he knew that I would need him. He has given me everything he knows that I need right now, is teaching me, and protecting me from things so I can be strong enough to handle the future. I want to have a passion and affection for him that he's had for me. I want people to be able to see him in my heart and want that for themselves.
When I think about all that God has done for me, I realize that I have given so little. Yes, I know I will never even get close to giving everything back to God that I owe him, and I know that there will be tough mountains to climb, but I feel like lately I haven't been trying very hard to please him. It's like I've heard him crying out to me but have tried to block it out of my hearing. I don't want to be like that. It makes me angry and confused. I have nothing more that I should be doing in life than worshipping him in all that I do, whether that is through singing at church, washing the dishes, or driving my little brother to piano.
He has given me everything I could ever need and all I have to do is trust him with my life. There is no reason for me to hide my affections from him or anyone else. I am the only one who can forget about the joy he has given me, but I don't want that. Loving like Jesus loved, worshipping God, helping others, reading my bible, that will bring true joy. When you are on a spiritual high with Jesus, living for him, and listening to what he has to say to you, everything else just falls right into place.
James 4:10 "Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up."
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Sound's a Little Too Fair...
"Well, I think I'll get into Heaven, I've done some good things. Hopefully when I die the good will outweigh the bad."
"Man, that's not how it works. Think about it: A man murders and rapes 18 women and goes to court for it. The judge asks him what he has to say about it. What if the man said: Yeah, I messed up, but I've done some good things in my life!' If the judge let him go, do you think that is fair?"
"Well no, not really..."
"Exactly! And that is how God works. He is a just God, and a fair judge. That's why he sent his son Jesus to die on the cross, and wash away our sins, so that when we acknowledge those sins and repent to God, we don't have to live an eternity of pain and suffering. That's not to say we are going to be perfect all of the time, because we won't. But it assures us of an eternity with God in eternal happiness, but it only applies if you let Him into your life."
"Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me." - John 14:6
These aren't the exact lines, but last week I watched a movie called Courageous. In it, one of the characters believed that there was a God, but that you didn't have to be a Christian to live with him one day. I love the way his friend handled the situation and explained to him the truth in a careful and loving way. I wish those thoughts would come to my mind when I talk to a non Christian friend. Hopefully God will give me a chance soon.
"For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." - Romans 6:23
"Man, that's not how it works. Think about it: A man murders and rapes 18 women and goes to court for it. The judge asks him what he has to say about it. What if the man said: Yeah, I messed up, but I've done some good things in my life!' If the judge let him go, do you think that is fair?"
"Well no, not really..."
"Exactly! And that is how God works. He is a just God, and a fair judge. That's why he sent his son Jesus to die on the cross, and wash away our sins, so that when we acknowledge those sins and repent to God, we don't have to live an eternity of pain and suffering. That's not to say we are going to be perfect all of the time, because we won't. But it assures us of an eternity with God in eternal happiness, but it only applies if you let Him into your life."
"Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me." - John 14:6
These aren't the exact lines, but last week I watched a movie called Courageous. In it, one of the characters believed that there was a God, but that you didn't have to be a Christian to live with him one day. I love the way his friend handled the situation and explained to him the truth in a careful and loving way. I wish those thoughts would come to my mind when I talk to a non Christian friend. Hopefully God will give me a chance soon.
"For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." - Romans 6:23
I Look Up to the Sky and Say: You're Beautiful
Today I was working on a project with one of my good friends and we somehow got started on the topic of insecurities that we have. Whether it was our noses, legs, or cheek bones, it seemed like there was always something wrong with is. My friend told me that to rid herself of this insecurity, she would often compartmentalize these negative thoughts about herself and set them to the side because she hates "feeling ugly."
I can totally relate to her because I have struggled with the same things all my life since the beginning of middle school. I know that most girls my age are supposed to be insecure about something, but I was ridiculous. I would spend an hour trying to find clothes to wear that didn't make me too fat or lumpy or whatever. I started putting on way too much makeup and not eating enough. None of it worked. I felt disgusting, useless, and unwanted not only by any boy that I liked, but by my friends as well. There were plenty of nights I would cry myself to sleep because I thought I was so hideous and would remain that way forever.
But, there was one day two summers ago when I sang a solo for my church on a Sunday morning. I DESPISED being on that stage where everyone could see me and I was afraid people would judge me because I was obviously not a sight for sore eyes. But, after church my mom told me how many people, men and women alike, said that I had a beautiful voice and even more, a beautiful and gentle face that they admired. I thought my mother was playing some kind of cruel joke on me, but she wasn't. They really thought I was pretty. I wasn't convinced. In my mind, the only way to truly feel beautiful was for a guy to like me. I know that sounds completely stupid, but it's how my brain worked back then.
I have always been the very helpful person that wants to care for people in any way she can and not expect a "thank you." In my mind, God calls us to care for others so I felt as if it was my duty to love others and give them any advice I could in times of adversity. I developed friendships with guys from my school and church as we coped with life and growing up and just venting whatever was on our hearts. I still felt underappreciated and ugly at this point, however, until I went to a conference my sophmore year with my youth group.
One of the guys at this conference was a developing Christian rapper who had already gotten many record deals. He recited a poem to us that addressed the upcoming generation: this was my generation. "Girls, you are more than your curves and your makeup. God made you in his image to be beautiful, and He intended for you to protect your body, which is a temple, until he shows you the person you were always destined to be with. Guys, get rid of the tough macho act. God can see right through you and he knows your weaknesses. You are more than the alcohol, sex, and trouble you get into. Be warriors for God, and show his daughters what real men are supposed to be like: the foundation and providers of a home." It really got to me when he told me how God thought all of us girls were beautiful. When he said it, I heard a voice in my brain say "Yeah, everyone except you."
This wasn't true though. I had always told people that God was my main priority in life at that point, but until now I hadn't truly let him in or listened to what he had been telling me. He was screaming "YOU ARE GORGEOUS! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND JUST WANT TO CARE FOR YOU!" It's really sad that I had been blind to this for so long. Did I really think I was hideous when someone as perfect and beautiful as God created me? 1 Peter 3:3-4 states:“Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty that depends on fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should be known for the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.”
God wasn't and isn't so much concerned about my physical beauty as he is about the beauty within me, and in my spirit. He gave me a voice that wants to sing for him, a gentle and understanding nature, ears to listen to others, and wisdom to guide and help them through His word and the experiences he has given me. "the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness..." THIS was the beauty I should have aimed to search for all along. Instead of telling myself I was ugly and could make others happy but not myself, I should have found peace in the fact that my Heavenly father will not leave of forsake me, and thinks I am the most precious being in the world. No earthly love or tender feelings a young man has for me are going to compare to an eternity with the One who has taken my pain and iniquity in order to give me everything in return. That's not to say that I do not want to marry and raise children, but I know it will happen in God's timing. For now, I can look in the mirror and say to myself "I am a daughter of the invincible God, so how could I never believe that I am beautiful inside and out?" God doesn't make mistakes, so what makes me think he would start with me?
I hope that anyone who read this today, boy or girl, really dwells on this truth this weekend, next week, or whenever. Our father, the God of the universe, the King of kings, the Alpha and Omega, the Savior, protecter, and healer, believes you are an extraordinary human being, man or woman. Don't ever sell yourself short of that or settle for less than what God promises you. If someone cannot see your true beauty through God's eyes, then they won't see it through anyone's.
Proverbs 31:30 “Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.”
I can totally relate to her because I have struggled with the same things all my life since the beginning of middle school. I know that most girls my age are supposed to be insecure about something, but I was ridiculous. I would spend an hour trying to find clothes to wear that didn't make me too fat or lumpy or whatever. I started putting on way too much makeup and not eating enough. None of it worked. I felt disgusting, useless, and unwanted not only by any boy that I liked, but by my friends as well. There were plenty of nights I would cry myself to sleep because I thought I was so hideous and would remain that way forever.
But, there was one day two summers ago when I sang a solo for my church on a Sunday morning. I DESPISED being on that stage where everyone could see me and I was afraid people would judge me because I was obviously not a sight for sore eyes. But, after church my mom told me how many people, men and women alike, said that I had a beautiful voice and even more, a beautiful and gentle face that they admired. I thought my mother was playing some kind of cruel joke on me, but she wasn't. They really thought I was pretty. I wasn't convinced. In my mind, the only way to truly feel beautiful was for a guy to like me. I know that sounds completely stupid, but it's how my brain worked back then.
I have always been the very helpful person that wants to care for people in any way she can and not expect a "thank you." In my mind, God calls us to care for others so I felt as if it was my duty to love others and give them any advice I could in times of adversity. I developed friendships with guys from my school and church as we coped with life and growing up and just venting whatever was on our hearts. I still felt underappreciated and ugly at this point, however, until I went to a conference my sophmore year with my youth group.
One of the guys at this conference was a developing Christian rapper who had already gotten many record deals. He recited a poem to us that addressed the upcoming generation: this was my generation. "Girls, you are more than your curves and your makeup. God made you in his image to be beautiful, and He intended for you to protect your body, which is a temple, until he shows you the person you were always destined to be with. Guys, get rid of the tough macho act. God can see right through you and he knows your weaknesses. You are more than the alcohol, sex, and trouble you get into. Be warriors for God, and show his daughters what real men are supposed to be like: the foundation and providers of a home." It really got to me when he told me how God thought all of us girls were beautiful. When he said it, I heard a voice in my brain say "Yeah, everyone except you."
This wasn't true though. I had always told people that God was my main priority in life at that point, but until now I hadn't truly let him in or listened to what he had been telling me. He was screaming "YOU ARE GORGEOUS! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND JUST WANT TO CARE FOR YOU!" It's really sad that I had been blind to this for so long. Did I really think I was hideous when someone as perfect and beautiful as God created me? 1 Peter 3:3-4 states:“Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty that depends on fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should be known for the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.”
God wasn't and isn't so much concerned about my physical beauty as he is about the beauty within me, and in my spirit. He gave me a voice that wants to sing for him, a gentle and understanding nature, ears to listen to others, and wisdom to guide and help them through His word and the experiences he has given me. "the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness..." THIS was the beauty I should have aimed to search for all along. Instead of telling myself I was ugly and could make others happy but not myself, I should have found peace in the fact that my Heavenly father will not leave of forsake me, and thinks I am the most precious being in the world. No earthly love or tender feelings a young man has for me are going to compare to an eternity with the One who has taken my pain and iniquity in order to give me everything in return. That's not to say that I do not want to marry and raise children, but I know it will happen in God's timing. For now, I can look in the mirror and say to myself "I am a daughter of the invincible God, so how could I never believe that I am beautiful inside and out?" God doesn't make mistakes, so what makes me think he would start with me?
I hope that anyone who read this today, boy or girl, really dwells on this truth this weekend, next week, or whenever. Our father, the God of the universe, the King of kings, the Alpha and Omega, the Savior, protecter, and healer, believes you are an extraordinary human being, man or woman. Don't ever sell yourself short of that or settle for less than what God promises you. If someone cannot see your true beauty through God's eyes, then they won't see it through anyone's.
Proverbs 31:30 “Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.”
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