Yesterday afternoon I found myself locked in my bathroom, crying my eyes out, wondering when and why I had begun to bawl so hard. My entire face hurt, and I was shaking uncontrollably. What made it even harder was that I tried to suppress the sobs so that my siblings would not hear me. I felt so alone and like no one cared about me. I was hurting and I didn't understand how something so good could make me feel so bad.
We all know what moms are like. Some are soccer moms, others make you strange foods and make you hug her every night, while there are yet others who are quite pushy. My mom is a combination of all three. I told my mom that I did not want to go to homecoming a few weeks ago. "Why?" she merely asked. I told her that I had no one to go with, and that homecoming was a pretty awkward event anyway, what with all the grinding, partying, and drugs. "I can get you a date! My friend has a son your age!" she exclaimed. Okay, take this into account: I am extremely shy, awkward, and have a low self- esteem most of the time. She told me that the boy was shy and awkward as well. How would we relate? I had not seen him since we were third graders in elementary school!
I had thought she was kidding. I had laughed and told her "I'm good" the weeks before. But when she told me over the phone yesterday that she conspired with his mom and asked him to escort me, I lost it.
"His mother told me that his face lit up when she asked, and that he said he would LOVE to take you!"
Take me? Why would a guy ever be excited to take me somewhere, let alone a guy I havent talked to for 7 years? My brain believed what she had said, but my heart did not accept it. There was one defining moment in my life, and it was the moment a certain boy confessed his feelings for me, kissed me, and then dropped me to take one of my best friends to homecoming a month later (Read Standing Strong if you want to hear more about that story.)
I had never realized it before, but after that moment, I gave up on myself. I tried to put on a smile and make everyone think I was okay, but that hurt me more than I ever understood; until now. For three years I accepted the fact that I wasn't pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, or outgoing enough for any guy to ever be interested in me. It does not help to watch all of my friend have their first dates, first kisses, and for me to be 17 and not experience any of that. I was hurting, and I allowed that part of me to shut down until yesterday when my mom made that phonecall.
I assumed the boy who accepted my offer was just being nice. My mind and heart had no explanation for why he would want to go to homecoming with me. In all honesty though, I didn't feel worthy. This amazing, handsome, Christian guy wanted to take me, and I was upset about it. How much sense does that make? But I guess that is what happens when you live your life as a walking lie, trying to convince people that you are beautiful when really you feel like a piece of dirt.
My mom tried to ask me why I was so upset, but I didn't have the words for her, until now. Instead, tears welled up in my eyes and I dashed up the stairs to scream and cry and cry and cry. After I was done, I looked in the mirror at myself. In it, I saw years of pain and fear, but at the same time desperation for change and hope. It was as if God was telling me that this is a breaking point. Things were not going to be the same after this moment, and I knew that to be a fact. I had to begin to accept what God viewed me as and not accept the views of the cold society around me which had turned away from Him.
Later that night, I found that my potential escort has a leadership conference with his youthgroup the date of homecoming, and could not take me. This was both a relief and a bummer. I was relieved that I would not have to yet break out of my shell, because I felt there was much more healing and confidence building to be done. However, I was bummed to know that a guy had a true interest in spending time with me , EVEN THOUGH he was given a choice. My mother told me that when he found out that the dates contradicted, his face dropped and he had to hide his disappointment. Whether or not I ever see him in the future is not up to me, but I am thankful for the new found hope he gave me, and for the lesson I learned that God had someone out there interested in me, solely because I am me. Once I accept myself, that is where the true happiness, and in time, true love, will meet together, just as light meets the dark during a sunrise.
“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
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