Today I was working on a project with one of my good friends and we somehow got started on the topic of insecurities that we have. Whether it was our noses, legs, or cheek bones, it seemed like there was always something wrong with is. My friend told me that to rid herself of this insecurity, she would often compartmentalize these negative thoughts about herself and set them to the side because she hates "feeling ugly."
I can totally relate to her because I have struggled with the same things all my life since the beginning of middle school. I know that most girls my age are supposed to be insecure about something, but I was ridiculous. I would spend an hour trying to find clothes to wear that didn't make me too fat or lumpy or whatever. I started putting on way too much makeup and not eating enough. None of it worked. I felt disgusting, useless, and unwanted not only by any boy that I liked, but by my friends as well. There were plenty of nights I would cry myself to sleep because I thought I was so hideous and would remain that way forever.
But, there was one day two summers ago when I sang a solo for my church on a Sunday morning. I DESPISED being on that stage where everyone could see me and I was afraid people would judge me because I was obviously not a sight for sore eyes. But, after church my mom told me how many people, men and women alike, said that I had a beautiful voice and even more, a beautiful and gentle face that they admired. I thought my mother was playing some kind of cruel joke on me, but she wasn't. They really thought I was pretty. I wasn't convinced. In my mind, the only way to truly feel beautiful was for a guy to like me. I know that sounds completely stupid, but it's how my brain worked back then.
I have always been the very helpful person that wants to care for people in any way she can and not expect a "thank you." In my mind, God calls us to care for others so I felt as if it was my duty to love others and give them any advice I could in times of adversity. I developed friendships with guys from my school and church as we coped with life and growing up and just venting whatever was on our hearts. I still felt underappreciated and ugly at this point, however, until I went to a conference my sophmore year with my youth group.
One of the guys at this conference was a developing Christian rapper who had already gotten many record deals. He recited a poem to us that addressed the upcoming generation: this was my generation. "Girls, you are more than your curves and your makeup. God made you in his image to be beautiful, and He intended for you to protect your body, which is a temple, until he shows you the person you were always destined to be with. Guys, get rid of the tough macho act. God can see right through you and he knows your weaknesses. You are more than the alcohol, sex, and trouble you get into. Be warriors for God, and show his daughters what real men are supposed to be like: the foundation and providers of a home." It really got to me when he told me how God thought all of us girls were beautiful. When he said it, I heard a voice in my brain say "Yeah, everyone except you."
This wasn't true though. I had always told people that God was my main priority in life at that point, but until now I hadn't truly let him in or listened to what he had been telling me. He was screaming "YOU ARE GORGEOUS! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND JUST WANT TO CARE FOR YOU!" It's really sad that I had been blind to this for so long. Did I really think I was hideous when someone as perfect and beautiful as God created me? 1 Peter 3:3-4 states:“Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty that depends on fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should be known for the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.”
God wasn't and isn't so much concerned about my physical beauty as he is about the beauty within me, and in my spirit. He gave me a voice that wants to sing for him, a gentle and understanding nature, ears to listen to others, and wisdom to guide and help them through His word and the experiences he has given me. "the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness..." THIS was the beauty I should have aimed to search for all along. Instead of telling myself I was ugly and could make others happy but not myself, I should have found peace in the fact that my Heavenly father will not leave of forsake me, and thinks I am the most precious being in the world. No earthly love or tender feelings a young man has for me are going to compare to an eternity with the One who has taken my pain and iniquity in order to give me everything in return. That's not to say that I do not want to marry and raise children, but I know it will happen in God's timing. For now, I can look in the mirror and say to myself "I am a daughter of the invincible God, so how could I never believe that I am beautiful inside and out?" God doesn't make mistakes, so what makes me think he would start with me?
I hope that anyone who read this today, boy or girl, really dwells on this truth this weekend, next week, or whenever. Our father, the God of the universe, the King of kings, the Alpha and Omega, the Savior, protecter, and healer, believes you are an extraordinary human being, man or woman. Don't ever sell yourself short of that or settle for less than what God promises you. If someone cannot see your true beauty through God's eyes, then they won't see it through anyone's.
Proverbs 31:30 “Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.”
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