Tree

I wanna be unmovable, unshakable
Let my roots go down deep.
Unmovable, unshakable
In you.

And I wanna be like a tree
Planted by the streams
of living water

This will be my song, God
This will be my prayer
Until the end, until the end.

Yesterday at church I sang this song with my friend, Preston.  I was singing the melody and he sang a harmony to go along with it.  During practice, it sounded amazing, and that's pretty strange to say because I always think that I sound awful when I sing and have no idea why people want me on stage.  To be honest, I was nervous to sing it during church.  I hated when people could hear my individual voice and I prayed God gave me the voice to praise him and do it all for His glory.

There was some time after practice to just fellowship with the team and chill out, but I really didn't want to talk anyone.  I've had broken friendships in the past and unfortunately those friendships have been broken in the church, so sometimes when you don't have any of your true friends around, it can get awkward.  Fortunately, my worship leader, and pastor's wife named Deneen came over and started talking to me.  She asked me about tennis and I expected it to be a 2 minute conversation max. but it ended up being a 45- minute talk about salvation, superficial people, and the struggles kids go through in high school.  It was a great talk, and it really inspired me.  At that moment I realized that everything in my life that affected me was so insignificant, and that I wasn't going to be trapped in high school forever.  God had a major purpose for me.

I guess that's what really motivated me to sing my heart out to God that morning when everyone arrived at church for worship.  I just kept praying to myself Please God allow me to sing to you, and not get distracted by anything else, because the only thing that matters is you. When it came time for Preston and I to sing Tree, I lost all my nervousness, and I swear there was a voice coming from me that wasn't my own.  I had this indescribable wave of joy come over me to know that those words were true, and that I was singing this to God not just to sing it, but tell him how I felt and where I wanted to be with him.

Over and over again I have told God that I am going to go all out for him, but fail to do so.  Everytime I fail, I feel more like an insignificant mound of dirt.  Espsecially in tennis.  I find that it's so easy to just forget the promises I make to God to have a positive attitude and be a Christian influence to the people I play, but I often find myself cussing my oponenents out in my mind and thinking other ill thoughts.  I've realized that this has to stop.

Right now I feel like a seedling, young and puny, but with a potential to grow.  Lately, however, my roots have gotten really bitter and dried up.  I want my heart to soften, and I want to become brave and be a consistent example to the people who don't know God.  I see these amazing people at Younglife and older kids at my church and just think to myself "Wow, why can't I be that amazing?" or "Why can't I be happy and resilient like that?"  I think it would be more helpful if I was able to go more like at the beginning of this year.  Back then I felt more rooted in my walk with him. 

I've decided not to let the little things get to me, because they don't matter. But GOD does.  Right now more than ever I need Him and I am truly ready to forget everything else and live for Him.  I want to serve people this summer (And I might be going on a missions trip to NYC this summer).  God never said this life would be easy, and I truly believe that, but I'm tired of complaining, because it doesn't make things any better.  All of the anger and frustration has no affect on the people I feel it towards, but it affects me.  So from here on, I am going to work on planting myself in Jesus's name and being replenished by His living waters.  When darkness surrounds me, I'm going to let God handle the situation and try not to worry as much.  I have this feeling that something amazing is going to happen.  I don't know where or when, but I know in God's time he is going to use me for something great.


1 Peter 5:9 Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

I'm hoping that I am not the only one in the world who feels unrooted and disconnected from God.  I want more than anything to serve Him and release all the things I am holding back.  Because lately, I've held back alot.  Just to be living and breathing should bring me joy and give me a reason to walk with Him.  But I can't do this alone.  I need sisters in Christ like Kendall, Aletheia, Sarah, and Taylor.  I know these girls will pull me through anything and help me on my journey as I transform into something completely different than before, and when the changes finally take place, I will finally be ready to march the battlefields along with my other brothers and sisters to advance His kingdom.  Oh, btw, the most important, intangible thing in this world is LOVE. It has gotten me through so much and once it is received and acknowledged, it makes it even easier to deliver. 

Isaiah 40:28-31 Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

To all of you people out there who have been Godly influences to me, thank you.  He is so proud of you, and although he loves you much more than I ever could, I still find the need to say that I love you too.  (PS:If it's not too much to ask, could you please pray for me? I need all the support I can get :)